WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
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My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I basically called this earlier today
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I never needed anything more in my life
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys