WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
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*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.