Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
When someone trying to leave me