Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
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Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.