Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

I’m putting together a team

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

My support group can outdrink your support group.

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.