Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

Love is always patient and kind.

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

I missed you with all my darts

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.