WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
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Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
My dream job is getting paid to dream
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
found my next D&D character name
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.