Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
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Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
that lip filler tho
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.