Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
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Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.