Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

Jogging

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

Science memes

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.