Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
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My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!