Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping