Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.