wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
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5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
My wedding will be open casket.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
