wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
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I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well