wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
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Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Did…did a minotaur write this
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”