Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

Come back with a warrant

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

😂😂

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin