Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

Get off my horse you stupid moon

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*

Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years