Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
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Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Sell your car
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]