WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
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USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Mouse
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.