WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
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Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”