WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
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H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Birds & Planes.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
God, I love Scotland
