wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
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Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button