wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
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Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.