wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.