Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.