Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.