Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

If you know, you know

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

Introverted vegans go meetless

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

Well, that didn’t work.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!