[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
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I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Don’t talk down to me
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”