Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons