Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic