Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
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The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Incredible customer service.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.