Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.