Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.