Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
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Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My typo game is string.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.