I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
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[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u