@AristotlesNZ

Wife: Who let the boys out?
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: Who let the boys out?!
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: KIDS ARE IN THE STREET!
Me: I’m going..

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@Token_Geezer

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

@ilovepie84

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

@dafloydsta

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

@qwertying

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”

@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@markleggett

The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.

@ClichedOut

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

@seamusmckracken

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

@rad_milk

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s