Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

Nice try Hitler

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

😏😏😏

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*