wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.