wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE