Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

My ideal weight is five million dollars

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.