Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

Who needs an Air Fryer?

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.