WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
choose your fighter
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.