Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery