Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”