Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad.

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

A comic by Dan Piraro

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.