Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
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Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
How do dragons blow out candles?
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.