Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

🤫

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks