Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

Basketball

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.