Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
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Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.