Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
You Might Also Like
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok