Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
The Eggorcist
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?