Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

This is the one

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL