Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

That took me a moment.

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

The fall of Netflix

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done