Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.