Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

The Sun

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.