Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz!

[30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this

he’s sick of your bullshit today

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.