Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Nothing.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”