Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.