Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes