Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
the PhD student is someone who foregoes their current happiness in order to forego future happiness
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard