Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
An odd boast
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I’m awake but I object,
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.