[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
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Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
can’t believe I got front row seats
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!