Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

Guys which shade of gery should I get