Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

You don’t even know

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

welp

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.