Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: đ„°
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
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Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like âgood lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????â and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off đ
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
âwfhâ
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Your honor, I wasnât trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure thatâs in the official record.
Just convinced my Mom she wonât get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesnât see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
meanwhile over on facebook
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 đ
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesnât ring a bell
Me: âGee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.â
3yo: âYouâre welcome Mom, look at this!â*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, âN E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I Sâ
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, Iâm quite aware itâs a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
Theyâre better at it.
The spirits flee.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while Iâm sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
âYou have a PhD!â I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I donât, but the spider doesnât know this]
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now heâs asleep at the bottom.
I say at least five times a day âI need to lose weight.â I still havenât lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesnât work.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Yearly reminder: unless youâre over 60, you werenât promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My teen daughter wants me to âhurry upâ getting ready to go somewhere and ainât this some karma
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My insomnia has itâs own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I became a journalist because I canât do math. I was told there would be no math.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerousâŠ
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze⊠$20. Itâll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD⊠ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, theyâre from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.