Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
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Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.