Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

When I face a minor setback

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

Europe. Made in Germany.

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

i think my razor is having a panic attack