Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

Family Celebrity

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake