Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
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me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
LOL
mathematically impossible
“Why would I pee into the toilet when there’s a perfectly good floor and wall right next to it?”
– My sons, probably
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.