Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
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Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that