Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

I’m too immature for adultery.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

look scared

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

when you are just born a rebel

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

A sick whale is called an unwhale

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”