Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
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I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
#polloftheday
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’