Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
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My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.